Welcome to the new normal reality of job-hunting in 2014… “Our venture-funded vertical-driven content prosumer phablet platisher is rapidlygrowing and we need to add some Ninja Rockstar Content Associates A.S.A.P. See below for a list of open positions!”
As explainer sites like Vox.com and FiveThirtyEight.com grow in importance, we are seeking a first-class EXPLAINER EXPLAINER to help readers make sense of the people who would make sense of the world for them. You will have the enviable position of capturing recent trends in explainers by writing between five and ten blog posts a day outlining those trends. While most of your time will be spent creating explainer explainers, you will also occasionally round up other explainer explainers to create explainer explainer explainers. To apply, explain yourself.
The modern newsroom is data-driven and traffic-driven. That’s why we’re looking for a DATA CHURNALIST. Like John Henry battling against the steam hammer, you will be responsible for tunneling through mountains of Excel spreadsheets and government FTP files to produce at least two dozen articles a day illustrated with pie charts. Also like John Henry you won’t be in a union. The ideal candidate has proven experience in correlating.
Feminism is changing—we’re changing with it! Our legendary women’s vertical launched as “Dworkinville” (2001-2007), was renamed “Ladies.biz” after a rollup (2008-2009), then re-rebranded as “Slutbox Junction” (2010-2014). Now we’re just calling the site “Tits” and targeting it to men 15-79. Our last editor (aka Edit Queen) left to work for some magazine with salaries, so we need a new QUEEN, TITS. Who is the ideal candidate? He or she is a fifth-to-ninth wave feminist who can speak with authority about the patriarchy while mollifying advertisers and reviewing panties, simultaneously appealing to men but never mentioning the issue of class. If that’s you, send us a photo of you at the beach.
To the entire media establishment BuzzFeed is a big deal—its traffic is besting that of more established peers and it has hired nearly one-third of the people in New York City. That’s why we need an EDITOR, BUZZFEED. You will not edit BuzzFeed (apparently someone does that already) but instead will edit a new vertical totally dedicated to repeatedly explaining how BuzzFeed, despite simply being a very large and well-funded blog, represents the future of the media. Articles we’d like to see include: “Is this the future of media?” “Is the future of media this?” and “Media’s future?” The ideal candidate can work the words “platform” and “ecosystem” into anything.
Are you a native full-stack visiongineer who lives to marketech platishforms? Then come work with us as an in-house NEOLOGIZER and reimaginatorialize the verbalsphere! If you are a slang-slinger who is equahome in brandegy and advertorial, a total expert in brandtech and techvertoribrand, and a first-class synergymnast, then this will be your rockupation! Throw ginfluence mingles and webutante balls, the world is your joyster. The percandidate will have at least five years working as a ideator and envisionary or equiperience.
Come help maintain viral aggregation’s secret shame! As READER, REDDIT, you will read Reddit and create the Redditorial that drives most of our traffic! Successful applicants will demonstrate the ability to avoid eye contact.
Our enterprise is seeking a full-time FAT SHAMER who can work across social media and blogs. Every day you will identify celebrities who have gained small or large amounts of weight and make remarks like “step away from the buffet table” &c., including the classic “oink!” Truly great fat shamers will not limit themselves to criticizing the bodies of famous women but will also draw attention to regular women who have been forced into the news cycle, including victims of violence and the mothers of slain children—because who couldn’t stand to lose a few? Successful candidates will be able to write the words “just sayin’!” seven thousand times per month without killing themselves. No fatties.
#Trendit! We have an immediate opening for a world-class OUTRAGE OPTIMIZATION EXPERT to furyhack our traffic across social media. The ideal candidate has proven abilities at composing rage pegs for any story and has demonstrated the ability to prefix any tweet with “THIS.” or “LISTEN.” Candidates will be required to flame out in two years and disavow their past views while encouraging their still-seething acolytes to “moderation.”
As our animal-based verticals have grown we are in need of someone with a liberal-arts-degree who can blog in the voice of a MEERKAT NAMED PHILBIN. For whatever reason the meerkat is like 80% of our traffic and the last person left to run the new Quantum Physics vertical at BuzzFeed. Help.