Satire courtesy of Omid Malekan
College Students Across America Protest Santa Claus
After weeks of preparation by an umbrella group that calls itself the Santa Claus Repudiation Organization Offering Greater Education, students at campuses across America spent Christmas Eve protesting what they consider a dangerous symbol of everything that is wrong with the world today.
For some, the fact that Santa is a white male was reason enough to be angry. As one student put it: “Why can’t a mythical figure invented in Christian Europe be Middle Eastern looking or of Asian descent? Clearly Santa got the job thanks to white privilege”
More economically minded students objected to the exploitation of the Elf population of the North Pole. Comparing Santa’s Workshop to a sweat shop, one student complained “What’s the minimum wage that an Elf is paid? and how safe are the work conditions? Do they get health insurance or will they be forced to suffer with Obamacare?”
Sometimes factions within the protest group conflicted on the pluses and minuses of St Nick. One sticking point was his use of a reindeer drawn sleigh, which although criticized by animal rights activists as cruel, was applauded by others for its low carbon footprint. Another sticking point was Israel, and the fact that Santa doesn’t make many deliveries to the Jewish State. As one appreciative Middle Eastern Studies major told us, “it must be because he too is opposed to the Settlements.”
But the one thing virtually all protesters were angry about was Santa’s use of a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice. Many believed this is a form of class segregation, and called it a form of post-colonial suppression. A community college freshman said “the list is culturally biased, like the SAT test that I did poorly on.” Another student, a Senior at an Ivy League University, had a more positive way of putting it. “When my trust fund opens up next year I get the money regardless of whether I’ve been good or bad,” she said. “That’s how it should be for everyone.”